Bitter-Sweet

I have never ever experienced so many emotions about school in a such a short period of time. I'm writing this because the emotions have gotten to be too much for me. I don't know if this is good or bad. My emotions are mixed, but right now-more than anything- I wish I was incapable of feeling it all at once.

It all started last week the day after New Years. I had a great holiday break. A break that was filled with undergrad-ish activities. Activities that I had not participated in since the weekend of graduation, May 11th. I caught a glimpse of what my life was like before teaching. Constant gut-busting laughter, shopping without money, eating out all the time (again with no real money in sight), going on several dates a day (probably because I don't have any money), begging my sisters for money, sitting around with my family, and going to church without thinking about all the work I have to do. On Tuesday night, right before it was time to go back to school, I realized that I no longer had any of those things and as soon as I walked into work the next morning, the fun would surely be gone. To keep from losing the feeling so quickly, I took a personal day. While the personal day helped quite a bit at the moment, it was still only temporary.

The rest of the week was fine because there were only two days left. Also, the principal gave me a special project which was good and not-so-good. It was more work, but at least it meant that she had at least some confidence in my ability.

Then Monday comes. I get my Benchmark Acuity scores and they are horrible. The silver lining in the situation is that I'm behind on teaching whats in the SLPS Pacing Guide, so I expected my students to not perform well. I still had that nagging, miniscule, but big enough to feel, guilt feeling. My administrators and team leaders didn't frown upon me the way I anticipated, but they definitely made it clear that the scores needed to improve. This was a little dissapointing because Benchmark Scores were minimalized by some. However, I have all the confidence that now that I know the real importance of Benchmark Tests and the most important GLE's to teach, that my students' scores will improve.

To add to it all, my school is a "High Priority School" which means a lot of things for a lot of people. For teachers, it means A LOT MORE PAPERWORK. I suppose this is working for veteran teachers, but for new teachers, me in particular, it is an overwhelming amount of pressure. To be more clear, it's right in bewteen overwhelming and surreal. Since the holiday break, there hasn't been one day when I haven't thought about the possibilty that this could be a dream and I could wake up in a split second and not be in the middle of a deadline to turn in something.

I'm not really sure how this blog entry will be perceived- pessimistic, optimistic, bitter, sweet, bitter-sweet. What I do know is that right now I'm so tired of feeling drastic emotions, that I've decided not to feel anything, at least for tonight.

I've racked my brain trying to come up with answers. The only notion that makes sense is that G-d is putting me through this, as every other challenge, to be stronger, a better person, and a better Christian. What's puzzling, is that usually these challenges are usually the kind that I don't want to endeavor. My job is undoubtedly one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced, but no matter what happens, I keep wanting to go back. Go figure.